The voices that lurk in my word
Most of us have inner voices popularly associated with our consciousness and imaginative thinking. However, what happens when these voices gain absolute control over our abilities to function?
An image of a drawing I made similar to how I feel
We are our own greatest enemies. This statement is often said but the truth behind it is so immense that it knocks me unconscious just thinking about it.
The mind is supposed to be a safe place especially for me as an introvert who does not do so well with social interactions or finds them draining most of the time. I would agree that it gives me the liberty to unlock the depths of my imagination and conjure up innovative ideas or scenarios.
However, this does not change the other things...
It does not change the sinister thoughts that lurk in the crevices of my mind. Leaking with evil. Compelling me to do things to myself just so that I can escape them:
The urge to rip out my brain so I do not think them.
The urge to tell someone to plunge a knife into my heart multiple times so that I would not have to continue bearing the cost I do.
The urge to run into an oncoming car so that maybe I can finally become numb to the pain for once.
The urge to pour something in my ears to get rid of the disgusting whispers that cloud over my head.
The urge to do much more even if it means giving up the things that mean the most to me in exchange for a life without the voices.
Perhaps these urges are what make things worse because the voices know they are all but thoughts I would never have the courage to act upon. So they continue with more intensity, to inflict the greatest scars.
They throw words that prevent me from doing some of the things I want to do and some of the things I want to say, ruining beautiful friendships. They have no right to be said considering that the contexts in which they are said should not have to warrant such. They make me selfish because I spend too much time trying to fix and slow the damage to care about the others who wish to care.
They say words that slash my feet and make me unable to take steps forward. Words that burn right through my flesh and onto my bones. Words that make me grit my teeth and break into beads of cold sweat. Words that break me and shatter my self-esteem into a thousand million little pieces. Words that I would not wish even on my greatest enemy.
I have tried battling them, really I have. Talking to others, getting distractions, finding solace in nature and others. But those are temporary. At the dead of night when I have no energy to distract myself, no one to turn to, when I am all alone, even if I am asleep, they visit like thieves and rob me of my composure, of my dignity and fill me with contempt.
No matter how much I describe it to others, to you, no words can truly embody what it is I am trying to say or how it is I feel. Telling me that I am not alone or ‘everything will be alright’ or ‘it’s not that bad’ or ‘you are doing great’ among others, make me feel the exact opposite of the intentions behind those words. I cannot ignore them, because they are my means to survive. I can’t change what I live by, because they won’t let me.
Anytime I listen to your words that mean to show you care, all they actually do is push me into an abyss, filled with loneliness and self-pity because you remind me that I can’t swim, that I never learned. You force me from the wasteland, which has become my bedrock, into the ocean. A strange place where I wave and splutter about, my eyes bulging out of my sockets from the shock and desperation. I drown, I am drowning but you, no one, can see it because to you, my body is still afloat albeit lifeless. I am not okay even when it seems I am.
The funny thing is despite everything I have said, I know that even if you were to ‘multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever you will still barely a glimpse of what I am talking about’. I know because it has happened one to many times and it will only change if you hear those VOICES too.